


forever

by PlantsWearPants



Category: NCT (Band), SM Rookies
Genre: Angst, Hansol's pov, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mark and Jaehyun are only mentioned, it sounds kind of like letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-03 03:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11523888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlantsWearPants/pseuds/PlantsWearPants
Summary: I used to believe in forever but forever's too good to be true.





	forever

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in one go and it probably has some mistakes. I hope you'll enjoy it anyway.

I don't remember the date but I know it was Wednesday when we first met. You were standing in the practice room with a little bit too long hair in dark hoodie, smiling warmly. There were clouds and unnaturally blue sky in the background. The clouds that hold too many memories to just forget about them. The memories not only of you, _us_ , but of everyone from SMRookies or maybe NCT I should say. You were not that tall as you are right now but still taller than average Asian. Despite this you looked so small and out of place. Back then I had no idea how perfectly you'll fit in this mess.

At first it wasn't that easy to approach you. The language barrier was annoying. You talked almost always in English and when you finally learnt a bit of Korean your accent turned every sentence into unintelligible gibberish. Google translate became my best friend before you did. At some point I started to learn English but never found the courage to speak it out loud, especially in front of native speaker. The way you're confident in talking in Korean, not caring about others teasing you because of the mispronunciations makes me admire you even more. Maybe that was the first sign of how it's all going to end. You better than me, higher than I am.

We became closer when you stayed in Korea for good. There were no coming backs to Chicago for school. Your Korean still wasn't perfect but you weren't the only foreigner among trainees. We lived in a dorm together and sometimes I was jealous of how you could speak for hours with Mark or Ten laughing and having good time. They were able to know the _real_ you: the relaxed, funny boy, not the one stuttering, always a little bit nervous. I just wished you could be so natural around me too.

After a few night conversations on the small balcony we had, something clicked. My young hormonal brain used to think that we're a match made in heaven, can you imagine? We had passions in common and even watched same TV shows. We had so many things to talk about we almost never stopped. You started to talk about your doubts and feelings to me not to Ten and it made me feel so special.

We knew each other inside out and even your disadvantages didn't stop me from falling for you without noticing. I didn't care about how messy your room always was or how you never wanted to do the dishes. I only saw your smile, your beautiful eyes, the way you improve and get better at everything. So much better than me I sometimes was saying but you always denied, telling me how talented I am and that I'll probably debut before you. I was always looking for you in a room and almost always saw you talking to Ten. You were great friends too and even if I was a little bit selfish and wanted you all to myself I still knew I'm the closest one to you and it made me feel better. I thought it'll be like this forever. You and me. Together. _Us_.

I've never met anyone like you. There is something different in the way you are. Your posture, your smile, your eyes, they all are like comfort words. It's like your existence is saying that everything's going to be alright, that there's nothing to worry about. You were and still are everything I need. But we can't have everything, can we?

Watching you growing up was the best thing that happened to me. I watched how you were getting taller and taller, how your face turned more mature but truly didn't change that much, how you started to work out and how your Korean was improving. I saw with my own eyes how you became amazing dancer. And I still get jealous of how fans fall for you every day and have opportunity to see you preforming. They can talk to you, touch you, ask questions, see your smile while I can't. I know it's childish but I was first. I fell in love before you were tall, before you were dancer, before your voice was stable, before makeup, dyed hair, photoshop. I was first and I was supposed to be the last.

You kissed me on the night after they told us we're going to be SMRookies. Back then we were sure we'll debut together. That everything will be just as planed. We were sitting on the balcony again but it was raining. Wrapped in blankets we still felt the cold wind. You smiled and told me that you're so happy and leaned to kiss me. Your lips were chapped and didn't tasted sweet but it was perfect. I didn't expected it still not sure about my own feeling. Maybe I knew I love you from the beginning but was scared to admit it. But in that moment there was nothing to be afraid of. I kissed you back closing my eyes. It felt right for me. I didn't know it didn't for you.

I thought something between us will change but it didn't. We still were friends, we still were talking and our forever was remaining. Being an SMRookie was harder than being just a trainee. We had to practice more and started to have shows. We had more doubts and less energy. But you were next to me and everything seemed so perfect. Once when we were recording some dance practice you said that it would be nice if we debut together, the six of us. Jaehyun said something afterwards but I didn't listen, I just was staring at you while you smiled at me. My heart started to beat ten times faster.

And then something changed.

You started to look at Ten more than at me. You talked with him more often than you used to. I always listened to your conversations with clenched teeth understanding only a few English sentences that came from your mouth. My heart ached every time I saw you two smiling at each other. I wanted to yell at you, ask you why did you kiss me that night but I was too afraid. I couldn't risk loosing you. So I just looked from afar. Just like I am right now.

At some point we almost didn't talk at all. We stopped our night conversations on the balcony, you were sitting next to him in the car or during the break in practice room. You would share the headphones with him and talk about new episode of _our_ – your favourite TV show. Our forever was breaking little by little with every smile you sent to him instead of me.

But he debuted when you didn't. When _we_ didn't.

We were all happy even if there was bitterness. It gave us hope that we'll debut soon too. We still lived in the same dorm and it was easy to notice how much more work it is when you're an idol. They were practicing the choreography for hours, falling asleep later than the others and waking before sunrise. You were worried because you wanted the best for Ten and he was so tired. I didn't blame you. I must've been blind to not notice that the feelings you had for him were the same ones I have for you. But I also must've been blind to not notice how your relationship was fading away. With Ten always busy you didn't have time to be together. But I wasn't busy and we still were friends. Kind of.

We started talking again. Sometimes on the balcony, sometimes during practice. You didn't talk about Ten, when you mentioned him accidentally you changed the topic quickly. Just like you knew that I don't want to talk about him and enjoy the fact that we can be together like back in the days. I asked you about our forever and you said that forever is a really long time. But forever with you doesn't seem long at all I wanted to say but I didn't. I saw you kissing him next morning and it didn't hurt. I realized it's because my heart broke long time ago.

The kiss turned to be the calm before the storm. Not even a week later you fought. You yelled at each other so loud everyone heard but I'm pretty sure only Mark understood what you were talking about. Afterwards you came to my room and I welcomed you with open arms.

I know I was plan B, a second option, replacement. You and Ten were the match made in heaven not us but I couldn't say no to you. I knew it but I still believed because you promised me forever and even if it was years ago I think about it every day.

Days passed and NCT U promotions ended. Next two units debuted but we were stuck in the same old and small dorm with new trainees that I stopped to care about. We weren't in a relationship. You knew I loved you even if I never told you and I knew you don't love me back. We sometimes slept in the same bed, you were kissing me in the morning. We spent most of the nights on the balcony talking casually, pretending that everything is perfect just like it used to be. We didn't say out loud how disappointed we are because of our position but we knew that it's impossible to be genuinely happy for our friends when we the only ones left with hope of debuting. Hope that was constantly disappearing. And I hate myself for that. For letting the hopes take control over my life. Because I knew from the start that my place is not on the stage with you. And that's why I wasn't that surprised when they announced your debut. The first thing you told me after big news was that I can be mad at you as much and as long as I want to but really how could I be angry when you finally got what you deserved the most? We didn't really talk that night. We stood on the balcony, freezing, hugging each other and crying. Because there was nothing we could do about anything that was happening around us.

You moved to the NCT 127 dorm and I felt so alone. Ten was the only friend I had and I wasn't able to look him in the eyes after everything that happened. I couldn't hate him, he was lovely, nice and great but I knew that our friendship won't ever be the same. He accepted me and you together, he looked at us with understanding in his eyes every time. But you left and I couldn't have you. I knew what you debuting means to us and our forever. It means end. End of dreams and of everything I ever wanted in life. But then again, it was expected. Forever it's just an illusion.

The night before your official debut you came to my dorm. We stood on the small balcony and you kissed me. It was different. It could look like passionate kiss to somebody but that wasn't it. It was you apologizing. There were no fireworks, no butterflies in my stomach, no weak knees even if it was the most emotional kiss we ever had. This time it didn't felt right even for me.

When we broke the kiss you didn't look at me. You closed your eyes and whispered that you're sorry. And then you cried so hard my heart broke again. I hugged you tightly feeling like I'm holding my whole world. Then you started talking. You told me that when you kissed me first time you just wanted to fall in love, to be able to love me back. You told me that you're sorry the you know you used me and that you're a shitty person. You were talking about how you're stressed about debut and how I deserve it more than you. And I looked at you thinking how much I want to take away this pain from you. Of course I forgave you. You didn't even had to apologize. You stopped crying after my words. I knew that our forever was temporary I said when you were leaving.

Your debut was great. Everyone loved the song and I was really happy even if you got only one line. You even danced in center. You went to some shows, you had interviews. You didn't looked stressed. I was so happy for you I forgot about my own life. Among nice comments I found some saying that you're useless, that you shouldn't debut, that you're talentless. They hurt me more than, I assume, they hurt you. Because they have no idea. They don't know you. They weren't beside you this whole time. They didn't train for years, hours and hours spent in practice rooms, learning how to dance, how to sing, how to rap. They didn't leave their families and fly to other continent. They didn't spent the nights learning the language. They weren't there when everyone around us was fulfilling _our_ dreams. They had no right to say it. Is this what you get after years of trying your best? After years of hard work? Is this worth it?

I don't know. Because I'm still here. Maybe not in the small dorm nor on our tiny balcony but I'm also not with you. Maybe I found another dream. Maybe other temporary forever. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to know you, to be able to call you my friend. Thank you for the nights, for the days. Thank you for hope, for tears, for smiles. I don't know how the things are between you and Ten but I know you'll be alright. Together or not. 

I know we weren't meant to be together and I'm trying my best to get over you but it's harder than I imagined. The thing I know now is that my love won't be forever. Because forever doesn't exist and you were the one that taught me that. 

 


End file.
